Make Your Life Count

Were They REALLY So Mad?

2012-02-01T21:02:00.000-05:00

I've become addicted to a fantastic AMC series called Mad Men which takes place in the 1960's surrounding the foundation of corporate America in the marketing world, or as they called it in the 1960's - the Ad Business. As I watch this show, I find myself become completely absorbed in it as though I slip into a time warp. It actually brings out a lifelike nostalgia that transports my mind to my own childhood for that one hour complete with memories of hanging out with my father in his smoke-filled office when I was a young child. I'm undecided as to whether this is a time when I would have killed myself out of sheer suffocation of a lifestyle that is so contrary to everything I am as a woman, or whether in that time I would have thrived in that environment and the simplicity of being able to speak your mind, do what needed to be done without fear of lawsuits every time you turned around or opened your mouth, and just the feeling of absolute freedom that came with a time when you could smoke and drink anywhere and people could be fired just because they didn't suit the job. While part of me finds this time distasteful, another part of me finds myself cheering inside as Don Draper calls his incompetent "girl" into the office and tells her "you aren't working out, gather up your things and tell Carol to move you back to the steno pool." Ha!

As I watched a few reruns of Mad Men recently, I jotted down some notes and was amazed at the picture it created.

WOMEN - women in the 1960's truly fascinated me:
- they had the classiest makeup and clothes, pearls were non-negotiable, and the flip-do was the only acceptable hairstyle
- everyone ate dinner at the table - not in front of the TV or in your bedroom or standing at the counter or in your car
- women kept the home - men were not expected to clean, cook, wash, or do any household duties for that matter
- dining out was for special occasions only, not a common practice
- smoking and drinking during pregnancy was as commonplace as eating and sleeping
- your wedding was what your parents, or more specifically your mother, wanted…not what you wanted
- wives owned the responsibility for the children and if the men did care for them (which was to be a very rare occasion), it was a favor requested, it was graciously thanked, and it was called "babysitting" - oh, and you are expected to leave dinner prepared when you go out because you certainly can't expect him to prepare dinner AND "babysit" the children

THE OFFICE - having worked in offices going back to the mid 1980's, I can still recall a level of these being practiced:
- manual typewriters and intercoms with buzzers - the word "technology" was earmarked for complex engineering like airplane engines
- the secretary was the "girl" and commonly called "sweetheart" or "honey" and generally addressed as Miss or Mrs
- secretaries were also babysitters, waitresses, maids, launderers, caterers, and anything else for which they were needed
- if food was catered to the office, the secretaries, as second-class citizens, ate after the men and clients
- firing without cause was completely acceptable and commonplace
- anyone above you in rank was called Mr
- smoking was socially acceptable everywhere, and ad offices with cigarette clients kept a storage of cigarettes and matches in the supply closet along with the office supplies
- drinking in the office was just part of a normal day, and secretaries were required to keep a supply of booze in their desks as an office supply item
- it was acceptable to pay people more because they are married - if you were single with no children, you can expect and accept that you will be paid less than the guy with a family
- $300/week was a very high-paying executive job
- inviting the boss to your home for a home-cooked dinner was commonplace
- prostitutes were an acceptable business expenses as long as they were invoiced creatively
- women only worked outside the home as a means to support themselves until they found a husband then they were expected to stay home; the rare woman who makes executive is viewed as personally broken/flawed (or else she would be home having and caring for a husband and family); she's also viewed as aggressive, sneaky, untrustworthy, and a bitch

And some general observations outside the home and office that I find interesting and so contrary to the way things are today:
- doctors were gods and their opinions were never challenged
- husbands are allowed to cheat but wives aren't
- divorce was a dirty word only whispered - and while divorced women were damaged goods, divorced men were seen as the poor victims of crazy, untamable women
- snapping your fingers to call a waiter was acceptable
- teachers, priests, and other's parents were allowed to discipline you including spanking, and your parents would never question their authority in doing so
- uncomfortable sofas…rather, uncomfortable furniture in general and those on tight budgets wore clear plastic over their furniture because furniture was bought for life, not every five years like today
- kids weren't allowed to touch the cabinet stereo or the TV unless asked to change the channel and were also not permitted to go into the fridge or food cupboards without permission
- hotdogs were a staple in every kid's diet regardless of your household income
- kids were asked to mix dad a drink after work and bring him his cigarettes
- cellophane wrapped hard candies were aplenty in glass top candy dishes in every home
- cars had no seat belts, and drinking and driving was commonplace - the legal limit was 0.15 (compared with today's 0.08) and the fine was $150
- Dad was the disciplinarian and all disobedience came with "wait until your father gets home"

Bring on the next season of Mad Men!

Always Assume the Innocence

2011-11-03T22:43:00.002-04:00

Under the category of "digging out some of my old unpublished fiction"...

A young man was sitting in a trendy downtown café reading a novel and drinking a mocha latte, a weekly Saturday tradition that he cherished. As he was adjusting himself to slouch into the most comfortable position to savor his favorite time of the week, a little elderly lady came and sat at the small round table next him.

As the young man sat there watching the lady get comfortable, he realized that she was there alone. The lady carefully sat her steaming glass tea mug on the table then placed her bag on an empty chair and removed her coat, placing it carefully over the back of the empty chair that was now occupied by her bag. The bag was cloth with two handles, a white Poodle stitched on the front and under the Poodle it said “I wonder if other dogs think Poodles are members of a weird religious cult.” The young man couldn’t help but smile when he read it because he immediately knew this lady had a good sense of humor.

“That’s a funny bag,” he said with a smile. “Do you have a Poodle?”

She smiled delightfully as if he had just told her she won a million dollars and said, “oh, thank you!” She paused then said thoughtfully, “and yes, I had a Poodle but he passed away last year.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” the man said to which she smiled politely.

He watched her trying to remove her tea bag from her mug with difficulty, very bad arthritis making even such a minor task a challenge. She managed to remove the tea bag and as she let out a little tired sigh, she carefully kicked off her shoes from her badly swollen feet under the table.

The young man was finding it difficult to concentrate on his book because his mind kept running through thoughts about this poor elderly lady, trying to get around town and get her errands done and he wondered if she had any family to help her.

As these thoughts were running through young man’s brain, he noticed a middle-aged man walk over and sit at a table near them. The man did not purchase anything and just slumped into the chair staring at the floor and looking perplexed. He was unshaven, his hair was greasy and sticking in every which direction, his clothes were disheveled, and he smelled. A well-dressed couple sitting near him gave him a sneer of distaste and got up and moved to another table. A couple of teenagers did the same, laughing and snickering in his direction as they moved. As more people came to the empty tables surrounding the middle-aged man, they would take a look (and smell) at him and decide to sit elsewhere away from him.

The young man watched him and wondered who he was, how he got to this place in life to care that little about what he looked like. He remembered a comment that his mother used to say when he was a kid: “A bar of soap only costs fifty cents.” Then suddenly the man looked at him and he realizes he had said it out loud. The young man felt shame and embarrassment that he had said it out loud and his immediate reaction was to turn to defense to try to justify his judgment and more rightly, his shame, for what he had just said.

The disheveled man’s brow furrowed and he looked frustrated and angry. Other patrons glanced in their direction. He looked to his left to see the teenagers looking at him then looked to his right to see the well-dressed couple looking at him. Then he looked straight ahead at the elderly lady. She tilted her head slightly to one side and said, “I’m sorry for whatever has happened to you – is there anything I can do to help?”

The disheveled man’s face immediately changed to sorrow and his eyes welled up with tears. He said to the elderly lady, “No, I’m sorry” and he looked around the café, “I’m sorry, everyone, for my state…it’s just that I have been at the hospital for the last three days. My young daughter and my wife were in a car accident. My wife died instantly. We thought my daughter would live…and she hung on for three days...but she died this morning.”

As his voice trailed off and tears spilled over onto his cheeks, the teenagers sat stone-faced in shame, some looking at him, most looking at the floor, the table or their hands. The well-dressed couple sat staring at the man with a look of complete loss for words. The young man felt his heart do a somersault. He was sure this was the most humiliating moment of his life and he was at a complete loss for what to say or do in the moment.

The elderly lady had already slipped her shoes back on and with difficulty, pulled herself to her feet, took a few steps to the man’s table, and sat with him. She began to talk softly to him so that only he could hear. The more she talked, the harder he sobbed with his head rested on his forearms on the table. She put her hand on his back and patted him and said nothing as he cried for several more minutes.

The teenagers slowly and shamefully got up, one by one, and filed quietly and somberly out of the café, two of them stifling tears. The well-dressed couple quietly stared at their table.

After five minutes, the man regained his composure and stood up. He put his hand on the elderly lady's shoulder and said, "thank you so much for your compassion and kind words, you have no idea how much you have helped me in this moment" and then he walked out of the café.

The young man was still horribly embarrassed and speechless. The elderly lady turned to return to her table and stopped to look down at the young man. He looked up at her and was afraid, knowing she was about to make him face what he had just done. Despite was he was expecting her to do, she smiled. She said, “young man, you learned a very valuable lesson today and I ask you to please remember this: in life, always, always start from a place of assuming the innocence. No matter how sure you think you are about the facts in any situation, I promise you, son, you are wrong one hundred percent of the time," then she said slowly with emphasis, "you never...ever...know all the facts in another person’s situation." He felt tears filling his eyes, threatening to spill over and down his cheeks, and the elderly lady, feeling satisfied that the lesson had been understood, again smiled and only patted his hand.

The elderly lady put on her coat, picked up her Poodle bag, and slowly walked out of the café.

The young man sat in his chair in silence as he realized just how many people's lives that wise elderly lady had changed in that moment with one small act of kindness.

Afford is a Choice

2011-10-10T20:08:00.000-04:00

Tonight I am mulling over whether to buy a ticket to a World Series playoff game tomorrow in Detroit and was reminded of one of my all-time favorite sayings. About ten years ago, I read this statement: "afford is a choice." And it's stuck with me ever since.

Initially, my thought was that it's not true, that there are many things I can't afford - I can't afford a million dollar home, I can't afford a Ferrari, and so on. Some time ago, I was reading a book about how regular people become wealthy (Ordinary People, Extraordinary Wealth by Ric Edelman - I highly recommend it!). I'm not talking about regular people who create wealth through investments or pyramid schemes - I'm talking about waitresses, teachers, single mothers - regular people like you and me - who learn how to become wealthy with their own money by simply realizing that every cent we spend is a choice. Or in short - taking ownership for our money instead of playing victim to it.

The lesson: afford absolutely IS a choice. After reading this book, it completely changed my attitude about my financial situation and the things I have or don't have in my life, and since reading it, I no longer say "I can't afford..." to anything. That doesn't mean I suddenly do and acquire everything I want and desire, I'm still limited by my income; it simply means that instead of playing passive victim ("I can't afford to..."), I play active owner of my choices ("No, I'm not going to spend money on that..."). And the truth is, it's not just playing semantics - it's fact - I am choosing not to buy that item or go to that game because I am choosing to spend my money on something else be it another form of entertainment or a standard of living I have chosen.

It sort of took me back to something my father used to say to me: "people always find money for the things they really want" and that is such a true statement. I can think of times in my own life when I would think or say that I can't do this or that because I "can't afford it" and then a good opportunity for something else that I really want comes along and...somehow, I would find the money...because ultimately, everything is a choice and to presume otherwise is playing victim.

What I've learned is that I had been playing the victim to my own money, as if I had somehow not created my own financial situation. It was time to take the wheel, to take ownership for the way I had managed my money and the choices I had made as to how I would spend it, and to stop playing victim and that meant no more excuses, no more using the word "afford." It took me just a few chapters into this book to change my tune about my financial situation and wipe the word "afford" from my vocabulary completely.

At the time that I read this book, I owned a home, I owned a car, and I felt I couldn't afford to do much else and the travel I did do was limited to available credit. I decided that it was time to take ownership of my money. The first thing I did was looked at my luxuries, or what accountants like to call "entertainment" spending - things like eating out, going to bars, partying, cigarettes, booze, fast food, movies, games, concerts, whatever the poison we choose. For me, I realized at that time in my life that I was spending a massive amount of money eating out and going to movies and that was where the bulk of my disposable income was going. And that's fine, as long as I'm content with my choices in how I spend my money, but I wanted more for travel. It wasn't that I "couldn't afford to" travel, it was that I "chose not to" travel because I chose to spend my money on other things. Once I realized this and took ownership for it, it was easy to change.

At the time, I chose to keep the movies but stop eating out through the week and save it as a weekend treat. I then made a trip to the bank to set up a bi-weekly payment to come right out on payday and onto my line of credit. It felt so good to take control, to feel that I owned my choices in how I spent my money (and more importantly, I owned changing my situation!).

Back to the point of my story - in this book, people in all varieties of professions and wages, people making far less that most of us, made huge changes in their financial situations simply by changing their outlook to one of ownership instead of one of victim. It's a frame of mind that simply creates a positive position of power where we control our money instead of a negative position of powerlessness where we play victim to our money. It's all about owning our choices and taking control of our lives.

Something else this reminds me of is one of my favorite sayings - everything in life is a choice, even if the only choice we have is the attitude with which we embrace each moment. Choose wisely!

Survival of the Fittest - Yes or No?

2011-09-13T22:48:00.001-04:00

I heard once that the human race worldwide has such health and starvation issues because "humans are the only race who do not live the survival of the fittest principle." In other words, if humans, like animals, let the weaker populations die off instead of "enabling" them with aid, many of our global problems would go away.

I considered this thought and came to the realization that perhaps there is some truth to this as hard as it is to imagine doing it, that perhaps this thing called "compassion" that humans are argued to be the only species to possess, has caused our situation.

Recently, however, I had this above brief silly notion shocked out of me as I was watching TV one night and one of those extended commercials about the famine in East Africa came on. They were talking about the drought, the ongoing conflict and escalating food prices and the burden that it has placed on tens of millions of people needing life-saving aid in Kenya, Ethiopia, and Somalia and how there are literally millions of children under the age of five who are currently at very serious risk of severe malnutrition and death from starvation. I was watching this and moved to tears, I felt hopeless thinking what could I, one little person, do to help or fix this, it's simply horrible and I felt thankful as the one or two lone celebrities who were lending their time and money to try to help spoke on the screen asking for donations and asking us to care and to help these destitute people.

But as quickly as I was completely absorbed in this program, it ended and the network popped back to some celebrity entertainment show. The hosts of the show were looking well-fed, healthy, and glamorous as they joked and laughed and talked about the latest celebrity who is getting divorced or cheating on their spouse and the other celebrity who doesn't know what she's going to do now that she has lost her reality TV show and another celebrity who is complaining about this or that thing that he doesn't like about the world and I had a huge ah-ha moment:

We ARE living survival of the fittest! We most certainly ARE!

I looked at all these celebrities and thought "how do we all just go about our lives every day, working, buying groceries, cooking, eating, drinking, partying, laughing and none of us are ever thinking about these millions and millions of people who are suffering and dying?" We, who compared to global standards, are ALL rich, and we complain about such mundane things while these people would give anything to have our lives. And I realized that we do have enough...there is far more than enough money in the world to fix everything if we all just shared what we have, but because of the greed of those who have it and want to keep it all for themselves (myself included - I may be middle class in North America but by world standards, I am rich!) we are sitting back here in the wealthy countries of the world going about our lives and pretending we don't see this suffering happening.

What is wrong with us?! It's horrible and saddens me greatly. Even within our own countries, people are suffering with not enough food for their children and the rest of us sit back and act like we don't know it's going on. Why don't we care more?

I think the only fundamental difference between us the animals is that the animals live survival of the fittest purely for survival; humans live survival of the fittest by choice - and that's an ugly truth.

I guess the next question I need to answer is...which one do I want to be, and what am I going to do to change?

Lifestyle Choices

2011-05-23T21:33:00.000-04:00

I recently heard someone make that age-old comment that people who don't have kids don't have them because they are selfish. I know I've touched on this subject as part of another blog some time ago, but I think it deserves its own spotlight.

Okay, first, let me clear up something. "Selfish" is not always a bad word, it's just been made bad by societal attitude. Selfish means doing something because it benefits the self and that is often not a bad thing and is often even a good and right thing. Every choice we make in life is selfish. Yes, every choice we make is a choice we make because in some way we get a payoff or we wouldn't choose to do it. The woman who chooses to stay with the abusive man does it because staying is less scary than leaving him and starting over alone; the person who is overweight stays that way because the enjoyment of eating outweighs the desire to lose weight; and so on. There is always a payoff for every choice or we wouldn't make it.

As much as some people would have you believe the following theory, people don't wake up one day and say "I think I will selflessly give the rest of my life to raising another human being even though there is zero benefit to me and only complete and total sacrifice." If that is what they were really doing, they would adopt one of the 78,000 children in Canada needing homes. Yes, you read that right, as of right now, there are 78,000 children living in foster homes and orphanages in Canada. But they don't adopt these children, they instead bring more children into the world, children of their own because "I want my own children." And there's nothing wrong with that, but let's not pretend that the choice to have children is any less selfish than the choice not to.

I have also heard some with children say that they didn't get to do this, or they didn't get to that (and generally "this" and "that" are things I did get to do and it's said with a hint of resentment) because "you have to make sacrifices when you have children."

Let's talk about sacrifices. So you chose to have children instead of, let's say, maybe traveling the world. You chose to have children instead of maybe pursuing a dream to be an actor or a professional athlete or *insert profession*. Or maybe you don't live where you would like to live because you chose to have children and feel the right thing to do is keep the kids near their extended family. You maybe don't spend money and/or time on lots of things or activities that you might otherwise because you want to spend your money and/or time on giving your children the best life you can give them. Those are all choices that you made in order to pursue the life as a family man/woman that you desired. And as a result, you will produce wonderful children who will grow into wonderful adults who will then most likely reward you with grandchildren and then the benefits grow even more.

I have heard people with children state that they have to make "all the sacrifices" and those without children "get to have all the fun" with "no responsibility." Now let's talk about those of us who chose not to have children and the sacrifices we have to make. It's easy to figure out what it is that we are sacrificing...just think of all the reasons you chose to have children...birthing an extension of you and someone you love, new baby smell, unconditional love, watching them grow, wiping their tears, kissing their boo-boos, watching them win at sport, watching them perform in a concert, sleepovers, family vacations, first dates, graduations, weddings, grandchildren...and on.

My point is...we all make sacrifices that are the consequences for the choices we make in life, choices that we make, yes, selfishly, because it's the lifestyle we chose to live and I believe that when we hold resentment towards another's choices, it is because we are not happy with the choices we made for ourselves.

I have a sister who was born to be a mother, she is the most fantastic mother in the world, she loves every single minute of being a mother, taking the good with the bad, but would never for one second in her life second guess the choices she made. That sister has never, ever once judged my lifestyle choices...because she does not resent her own.

I guess all I'm trying to convey is...every choice in life has a selfish motive and selfishness is not always a bad word...sometimes it's just knowing what you want in life and going after it regardless of what others think of your choices. There is nothing worse in life than making someone else's choices for yourself and then resenting the Hell out of others because you have regrets.

Something else that is a choice is...happiness. Wherever we find our lives right now, we must make the choice that we are going to be happy because this is the only life we have.

Cigarettes vs Food - Judge Not

2011-05-01T22:03:00.005-04:00

When did it become socially acceptable to treat smokers like second-class citizens? I'm thinking somewhere about the late 1980's. In the 1980's, it was starting to become more openly talked about that smoking causes various diseases such as heart disease, stroke, lung cancer, mouth and throat cancer, emphysema, and so on. No one will deny that smoking is bad for you, but here's where I have a problem with the anti-smoking attitude.

Sure, I can respect that people don't want to be around second-hand smoke, I myself do not smoke; in fact, most smokers I know don't even smoke in their own home or car. However, take away the second-hand smoke and there, to me, is where the distaste and attitude should stop. However, I frequently hear people say things to smokers like, "so, do you ever think about quitting?" and "smoking is so bad for you" and "I can't believe so many people still smoke" and my personal favorite, "oh you quit for so long, I can't believe you started again." Then there are the more subtle messages like the dirty looks, the fake coughing and waiving of the hand, the curled up nose at the smell of one who just came in from a smoke, or the rude comments said intentionally loud enough for the person to hear.

Now, I'd like to shift gears for a second and talk about something else that is killing more people in North America than smoking and that's weight-related diseases. Unhealthy amounts of sugar, fat, and cholesterol cause diseases such as heart disease, diabetes, hypertension, high cholesterol and triglycerides, stroke, liver and gallbladder disease, respiratory problems, joint disease/damage/degeneration, and the list goes on. I would argue that poor eating habits are just as dangerous and unhealthy, if not worse, than smoking.

Now I'd like to apply people's attitudes about smoking to those with unhealthy eating habits. You see someone in the office eating a bag of potato chips and you say to them, "so, do you ever thinking about quitting eating fat?" or "you know those chips have 17 grams of fat and are bad for you" and "gosh, I can't believe how many people are still eating those unhealthy potato chips" or to use my personal favorite, you see your co-worker eating a piece of cake at her desk and you say, "oh, you had lost all that weight, I can't believe you are eating cake and gained it all back again." Of course you would never say those things because it's rude, insulting, and judgmental and frankly, none of your business.

I don't EVEN want to hear that there is a difference, because there isn't. This is how rude those smoking comments are with the only difference being that society has told you it's okay to berate, insult, and judge people who smoke but it's NOT okay to do it to people who are headed for a heart attack from clogged arteries at the age of 40. Sure, one could use the "it's not the same because smoking affects other people" excuse but that's just frankly bullshit because in most parts of North America today, you never ever have cause to be around cigarette smoke anymore. That excuse is just how people justify to themselves their rude, insulting, judgmental behavior towards people who smoke...much the same way "I don't want to enable them" is the excuse people tell themselves to justify their refusal to help the homeless.

The truth is, some people smoke, some people drink, some people like me eat crappy food and too much of it, some people sky dive, some people gossip, and the list goes on...the point is, we all do toxic things in our lives but it is our choice how we live and none of us should judge each other for our choices.

So the next time you're about to make a comment about smokers, stop and ask yourself if you would say the same thing about a friend's weight or eating habits. If the answer is no, then best to keep the comment to yourself.

Look for the Lesson

2011-03-21T21:07:00.002-04:00

Do you believe everything and everyone is exactly where they are supposed to be at all times in life?

We'll come back to that.

Have you ever been on the road and you're in a rush to get to an appointment, you're running late, you hit the road, and BAM, you get the little old lady in front of you going half the speed limit and you can't pass. In case you're having any trouble imagining your reaction, let me set this up for you.

You are frustrated, you feel yourself starting to get increasingly annoyed at the unbelievably bad timing of this. You are so annoyed that you start talking to yourself: "I just can't believe my luck! Of all the times! I really need to get to my appointment! C'mon, lady, I need to speed, not drive half the speed limit! What is she doing! Why won't she move out of my way! I cannot believe of all the times and all the people on the road this little old lady out for a Sunday drive on Tuesday had to get in front ME...and now, of all times!" The further you drive, the longer she stays in front of you. You turn right, she turns right; you turn left, she turns left. No matter where you go, she won't get out of your way...it's almost unbelievable that she seems to be going the exact same route as you! Then you do something even more pointless than talking to yourself; you start talking to the little old lady as if she can hear you. You can feel your heart speeding, you're getting more frustrated and annoyed. You start raising your voice, leaning forward in your seat and pumping your hand on your steering wheel, "C'MOOONNN!!! Get out of my way!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!! MOOOOOOVE!!!! Oh, yes, of COURSE you're going to turn right because I'M turning right, of COURSE!!! OMG I can't believe this! Sunday is for Sunday drives, get off the road!!!!" She finally turns off the road and you sigh "THANK GOD!!!!" and you gun it to get to your appointment.

Now...

Going back to the original question, do you believe everything and everyone is exactly where they are supposed to be at all times in life?

Now I want you to consider this. Is it really bad timing that the little old lady was in front of you? Or...was it a lesson, was she there at exactly the time she needed to be there to teach you a lesson. What lesson could she possibly be teaching me right when I needed to be at my appointment, you might ask? Pretty inconvenient time for a lesson, huh? Well, no, not really, in fact, it was exactly the right time. The lesson? You need to slooooow down; plan your time better next time instead of blaming everyone on the road for your lack of planning. Slow down. The little old lady didn't choose to be on that road in front of a disorganized, selfish person who didn't plan her day properly so why are you taking it out on her? That little old lady prevented you from speeding and possibly causing an accident that day. Maybe if she hadn't been in front of you, you would have hit a cyclist or a pedestrian or rushed through that amber light hitting another vehicle. Maybe, just maybe...that little old lady saved your life that day. As a side point...have you ever been driving and someone in front of you is slowing you up and annoying you because you can't speed then as you are tailgating them, cursing them, you both drive by a speed-trap police car and you said to yourself "that guy saved me from a speeding ticket"? Yes...you have, it's happened to me and it's happened to you. Coincidence, or lesson? The choice is yours.

This little old lady incident above has happened to all of us. The question is...do you choose to see it as an annoying coincidence or do you choose to see it as everyone being exactly where they are supposed to be and open your mind to the lesson?

Once you start thinking this way, once you start stopping your thoughts in their tracks and choosing to shift from seeing an incident as an annoyance and instead actively looking for the lesson, you will be shocked at the number of opportunities there are in your life each and every single day to learn and improve yourself: the neighbour who never returns the favor is teaching you unconditional love; the co-worker who tries to undercut you is teaching you to have integrity; the driver who cut you off is teaching you to drive with more attention and stop tailgating; the slow server at the concession stand is teaching you patience; the person who told you that you couldn't do it was teaching you to have courage; the company who turned you down for the job is teaching you that there is more for you out there; the boss who gave you constructive criticism in your performance review is teaching you to strive for excellence; the spouse who left you is teaching you how to seek more for yourself; the heart attack was teaching you that you need to treat your body with more respect...I could go on but I think you get the point.

In short, you can choose to see that little old lady in front of you as an annoyance impeding on where you need to go, or you can choose to see the lesson - slow down, have patience, and plan better next time. You can choose to see the boss who gave you constructive criticism as making you a poor-me victim, or you can choose to take that advice and improve yourself.

You can think you are a victim who will never get promoted, or you can think you are now armed for success; either way, you are right. The choice is yours. With this small and simple shift in attitude, I promise you that you can completely and drastically change your life starting right now.

Always stop...and look for the lesson in everything.

Unlearn With Socrates

2011-03-15T21:37:00.002-04:00

I attended Canadian Music Week on March 12 at the Fairmont Royal York in Toronto. While I was there, I stumbled upon Unlearn, a fantastic organization that I first discovered this summer at Pride in Toronto and they had a booth at CMW. Unlearn's mission is to "provoke thought in the hope that it will encourage positive change"...how amazing is that? I bought the following shirt.

front:

back:

The back of the shirt says "Warning: changes from the inside out" and...the shirt is inside out. It's brilliant, I love it!

Now, that was a nice discovery, but the really special moment happened when I looked to the back of their booth and saw a big red and white wall that said "Unlearn" on it and it had yellow sticky notes all over it. One of the guys working the booth asked me if I would like to post a thought on the wall. I asked him what kind of thought and he said "whatever inspires you to live our mission."

This is the wall:

And this is my post:

unlearn: A process of removing barriers that blind us to our authentic selves, questioning our classical conditioning, deconstructing and re-ordering our identities, identifying and discarding negative values, repeatedly focusing awareness towards one’s state of being. – Steve D’Amico

No Ordinary Moments Indeed!

2011-03-09T18:50:00.000-05:00

It is cold, slushy, messy, wet, yuckiest weather ever today...so when I took the dogs for a walk at dinnertime I was reminded: NO ORDINARY MOMENTS...look for the beauty in every moment. I decided to look for the beauty in this moment and photograph it. I was watching my Rottie walk in front of me in the snow and noticed his paw prints in the snow and I remembered how I made a paw imprint of my 15-year-old German Shepherd before he died (which my Rottie subsequently chewed but that's another Oprah show) and I remembered looking at that paw print and thinking "what I wouldn't give to have his paw prints back." I then thought as I watched my Rottie walk, "someday, I will have that same feeling about my Rottie, wishing for these ordinary moments back" and here I was witnessing his paws making big, beautiful indentations in the snow as the heat from his pads which represent his healthy life energy, melted the snow underneath as he walked. Even walking was something my German Shepherd didn't have the luxury of the last few months of his life and I even remember thinking "what I wouldn't give to be able to take him for another walk" and here I was, having all these wonderful experiences with my Rottie and I thought on any other day, I might rush this walk to get out of the inclement weather, but I thought "I should appreciate the gratitude of this moment." And I took this picture. How true it is that when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. To someone else, to even myself in another less thoughtful moment, this is just a paw print in the snow but today, it was a very special paw print that represented a moment that one day, will mean a whole lot more to me than it does today. No ordinary moments indeed!

Think From The End - We Are What We Think

2011-03-07T21:47:00.001-05:00

I'm on a mission with my complete collection of Wayne Dyer's audiobooks that I downloaded a few weeks ago. Today, on my road trip to Cambridge for a meeting, I listened to a segment on what Wayne calls "thinking from the end." I've heard him speak of this before recently but got much more from it today.

One example he gives is that the law of flotation was not discovered by contemplating the sinking of things but by thinking about things that float naturally. Similarly, the Wright brothers didn't invent the airplane by thinking about how to keep things on the ground. It sounds silly, but when you really think about it, we do this very silliness to ourselves on a daily basis by thinking about and focusing our thoughts on things that we are not happy about in our lives...and then we wonder why it never changes!

We must learn to live by the idea that we have to contemplate ourselves as surrounded by the conditions we intend to create. If we look at the really successful people we admire, we will see that they do not put their intentions on what they do NOT want; they put their intentions on what they wish to create because they know that what you think about is what you get.

If we spend our days thinking and talking about what is missing from our lives or what is not working in our lives, then we are going to continue to attract what is not working into our lives because WE ARE WHAT WE THINK...we become what we think about.

There are many lies we tell ourselves and sadly, believe. A few of my favorites from him on this subject are:

I am what I do - the belief that your self-worth is somehow tied to your job title but...if I am what I do then if I lose my job, I am nothing. I am NOT what I do.

I am what I have - the belief that your self-worth is about your image and material things but...if I am what I have then when what I have is gone, I am nothing. I am NOT what I have.

I am what others think of me - the belief that your self-worth is somehow relative to what others opinions of you are and this could not be further from the truth...who cares what others think of you! What others think of me is none of my business.

Dr. Dyer, while writing a recent book, actually had the cover of the book designed and made and then put it over the top of another book and displayed it in the office where he does his writing because looking at that book, he saw the "finished product" and it became his intention; he was ensuring that his focus remained on the intention of creating this book - he was working from the end.

The trick is to train our minds to stay focused on what we intend to create and it will be produced! We are what we think...good or bad so make sure we keep our thoughts focused on what it is we wish to be as an end state - imagine yourself in that end state and think of yourself as there all the time. The biggest mistake most of us make in this regard is focusing on the past. Not only do we focus on past things we regret or don't want more of in our lives (which, yes, brings more of what we don't want!), but focusing on the past is a complete waste of time - it is gone, it cannot be changed, so we must forget it and focus our intention only on what we wish to produce.

I am what I think...so I had better make sure I start improving my self-talk! And remember...be careful what you want because you will get it.

The Power of the Subconscious Mind

2011-02-21T21:41:00.008-05:00

I have been reading and learning from a lot of great teachers lately about the power of the subconscious mind and the power we have to change who we are through self-talk. Recently, however, I had a bit of an ah-ha moment when I married some recent teachings with something I put into practice about 15 or more years ago and didn't even realize at the time that I was embarking on something amazing but I guess my mind just wasn't quite ready to go further with it at that time.

Back in the late 90's I was living in Vancouver, British Columbia. I worked for a company that was relocating to Denver and one of the executives I worked with would be relocating with the office and his girlfriend was going with him so she asked me if I was interested in applying for her job with a construction company. I met with President and ended up deciding to take the job. He was the type of guy who was really super nice when he was nice, but really super prickish when he wanted to be a prick. When he was under stress, he would immediately shoot North and be verbally abusive to me and the other staff in the office.

I worked for him for less than a year and after several months of his little outbursts, I was miserable. I would go home at night and lay in bed, running my day over in my head, worrying that I forgot to do something important (I was responsible for all the paperwork for all permits, supplies, subcontractors, etc., to construct our projects). I would sometimes think of something as I lay in bed at three o'clock in the morning and realize I forgot to do it and I would not sleep another wink, worrying about getting to the office to get that thing done before my boss came in for fear of the wrath I would get from him if he found out.

I had a good friend at the time that I would meet for lunch occasionally and she would tell me repeatedly that I needed to find a new job, that I did not need this abuse, and so on. After several months of this, my roommate at the time was reading this book called something like "Power of the Subconscious Mind" and he suggested I read it. I read it and it talked about how if you want something for yourself, you have to believe in it for yourself. It explained how when you go to sleep at night, your conscious mind goes to sleep and your subconscious mind is in full control; therefore, whatever you think about before you go to sleep is what will lie around in your subconscious all night, ingraining itself into your subconscious belief system...and your subconscious is what holds all of your habits that are a result of all the self-talk you have given yourself throughout life. Your subconscious mind doesn't make decisions or decide what to believe or not believe; whatever you tell your subconscious, it believes; it does not question you.

Example: If your spouse tells you over and over that you are fat and ugly, you start to believe that you are worthless, fat, and unattractive. If your parents tell you all throughout your childhood that you are stupid and will never amount to anything, most of us will grow up believing we are not smart enough to do certain things and that we are simply not as capable as others to succeed.

So...this book's theory is...what you want to be or believe about yourself, repeat it to yourself all the time and especially before you go to sleep at night and you must speak it as it is NOW...so not "I will be thin" but "I AM thin" and you must repeat this over and over and over until you fall asleep because your subconscious believes whatever you tell it to believe and your subconscious really does control how you behave because it's your subconscious that triggers you to want the things you crave because your subconscious is simply the storage locker for all the habitual information you have fed to yourself.

So, back to my story. I was miserable, read this book, and started to say to myself every night something like, "I am worth more than this, I am not accepting someone treating me this, I am not doing this anymore"...I did this for only about a week and then that Friday morning, I remember it like it was yesterday, I woke up, sat up in bed, and thought, "I'm quitting my job today."

I went out and told my roommate, "I'm quitting my job today." He said, "yeah, right, no you won't." I said, "yes, I'm quitting my job today." I felt SO empowered. I thought to myself (my CONSCIOUS mind thought), "oh, after I shower, I will chicken out" but I didn't. I took the train to work and all the way there thought I would chicken out by the time I got to my office. But I didn't. I went into my office, my boss wasn't there yet, and I told my co-workers, "I'm going to quit today" and they said no you won't, and I said, yes, well, maybe I will chicken out when he walks in, but right now, I am quitting today. I think I felt by saying it out loud, it would help me from chickening out when my boss arrived. My boss came in and I said to myself, "get in there NOW before you have time to chicken out" yet really, still at that point, two hours after waking up, I felt just as strong and confident and sure of my decision as that moment when I woke up. I went in and told my boss that I needed to talk to him, this is not working out, I'm not happy living or working like this, I need to move on.

He left for a meeting and the guys in the office could not believe I did it, and one of them came and said, "hey, can I borrow that?" and I said borrow what? He said, "your back bone."

This story is just one example of proof that there is AMAZING power in self-talk and that your subconscious absolutely without a doubt believes whatever you tell it. So be careful with your mind, be careful of the self-talk you give yourself - make sure it is positive and is in the theme of where you want to be in this life. If you think you can't lose weight, guess what, then you can't. If you think you can, then tell yourself you are thin, and your subconscious will believe it and start to guide your choices in the right direction.

It works, trust me.

Hat Tip to the Biebster

2011-02-16T20:16:00.004-05:00

Someone I knew once many years ago commented to me, "Elton John and Billy Joel suck." Um...what? My reply was "What ARE you talking about?" I argued that while HE may not like or enjoy their music, that does make them "suck" and that people who sell out huge stadiums for 30 straight years clearly do not "suck" at what they do. You may not appreciate what they do, but clearly they have a talent of some sort or they would not be so popular and successful. And you may not respect whatever talent that is (even if that talent is not musical and is instead selling sex appeal or dancing or purely marketing-based), whoever is on that stage is there because thousands of people are more than happy to pay big sums of hard-earned cash to see them. That, in itself, means they have something to offer a large chunk of the population.

There is even a Facebook group called "Justin Bieber Haters" which has over 8,000 members and the description of the page is "Just a page for all those with a deep passionate hate of Justin Bieber...Post anything about the strength of your hatred." Wow! Why would anyone want to do this - has Justin Beiber done something to someone they care about? Has he done a Michael Vick and tortured and killed hundreds of dogs? Does he spew out rudeness or even controversial opinions? All I have ever heard about Bieber is that he is a nice, wholesome kid who is respectful, mature for his age, and well-behaved. So why do so many people hate him? I can only suggest it's jealousy but then I read something online written by a musician and thought BINGO! He hits the nail on the head. Read on.

"anytime someone becomes very popular in a main stream way that isn't at all edgy - Jonas Bros., Miley, Justin, etc., everyone starts coming out of the woodwork to say how much they hate these performers. Why is this? Did they do something to you personally? Did they drop by your house this morning and go wee in your Cheerios? Why exactly is it that you "hate" them? Just in case you aren't honest enough with yourself to even know why I'm going to tell you. It's because people like this have no real love or respect for music or the people that perform it as an art form. To these people music is what defines who they are. They don't choose a band based on talent as much as what listening to this band says about them as an individual. That's why so many people are always talking, blogging, etc. about their play list, who their fav band or drummer or whatever is. It is simply your lack of self confidence and self expression that makes you think you "hate" any band that you feel is uncool to like. I'm sure there are tons of people/bands you don't like, but it's funny that it's only the ones that are at the height of popularity that you're always bitchin about. You obviously have no clue how hard it is to make it in the industry. You have to play the game or leave the field. You can't just come on the scene and tell the record producers that it's your way or the highway. You do what you have to do to get your career started and then hope you're around long enough to eventually get to do what you want. I doubt if you just go into work every day and tell your boss you aren't going to do anything unless it's on your terms. It is no different in the music industry, everyone has a boss to answer to, even kids like Justin."

When he says they choose bands for "what listening to this band says about them as an individual" and "it is simply your lack of self-confidence and self-expression that makes you think you 'hate' any band that you feel is uncool to like"...wow, what a great statement! I don't like Celine Dion's music, but I would never say she "sucks" because I recognize that she clearly has massive talent because she her talent IS loved by millions! I guess it's just about respecting the arts to me.

I have been made fun of my whole life for professing my love of such musical greats as ABBA, The Carpenters, The Bee Gees, Anne Murray, Frank Mills, Gordon Lightfoot and the list goes on. It's not like I ever looked for anyone's approval to speak out on my love for these artists; anyone who knows me will see most if not all of them decorating my Facebook wall videos on occasion. But somehow, reading his opinion above brought clarity to my confusion about why people think it's "cool" not to like "uncool" bands.

How could I not close this off with a dedication to one of my favorite "uncool" bands - a band who is second only to the Beatles for most albums sold and who has been retired for 30 years yet still sells 3 million albums a year. If that ain't success, I don't know what is!

There is No Higher Purpose Than Service to Others

2011-01-15T21:14:00.003-05:00

Dan Millman said it, as did Dr. Wayne Dyer and no doubt countless other great spiritual teachers and I believe it to be true. As part of my own growing, I am working on being better at serving others...shoveling my neighbour's driveway because she has two small children and it's just easier for me to do it for her, things like that. Today, I had an experience that was meant to happen to me and was timed perfectly.

I was on the off ramp of the 427 to go to the animal hospital to get some supplements for my Shepherd. The weather was really poor today (snowy, slushy, and very slippery because nothing had been plowed). As I came to the red light at the end of the ramp, there was a woman walking along in the snow with a sign hoping people would offer her money. She was, I would guess, in her late 40's. I saw her as she walked up past one car, then the next, then the next, holding her sign as the snow blew around her head and face and body which was surely not that warm after standing out there for who knows how long. All I had in my bag was $5 so I pulled it out and put my window down. As she approached me she smiled and said, "thank you very much...you drive carefully, these roads are very messy today" and we had a brief discussion about how the plows had not cleared any of the major streets or freeways and she commented that it had been snowing all night so she couldn't believe the plows hadn't been out yet. She thanked me again and continued her walk behind my car to the cars behind me. The light turned green and I started to move forward. I saw that she had one of those little shopping carts that you see people pulling when they live in nearby apartment buildings and walk to the grocery store. She had her personal items in the cart and attached to the front of the cart was a cardboard sign that said the following:

"Trying to get enough money to go to Nova Scotia and see my mother."

Well, I am from Nova Scotia. When I saw that, I thought, wow, this is just a woman trying to get to see her mother who, guessing by her own age, her mother was probably in her late 70's or 80's and not much longer for this world, maybe even ill and she wanted to see her again before she lost her.

As I turned onto the street and started my drive toward the animal hospital, a memory popped into my head for some reason. Actually, two memories did.

The first was remembering how many times I have heard people say, "don't give them money...it just encourages them to keep living this way" and how much it annoys the crap out of me when people say that. Most people who live on the street, if you asked them, would not choose to live that way. They live that way because circumstances in their lives drove them there be it substance abuse, abuse at home, neglect, abandonment, or usually mental health issues. To me, when people make this statement, it is really just something they say to themselves to excuse their own behavior of ignoring the problem. I can say that because I used to be one those people. I remember being told that line, over and over, and I have many times in my youth walked by homeless people and ignored them because I felt it was "their choice to live that way." Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure that no one wakes up in the morning and says, "I think I'll give up my home, my car, my dog, my job, my spouse and my kids so I can live on the street starving and lonely and depressed." Yeah, I'm pretty confident that I can say with almost 100% accuracy that no one wakes up in the morning one day and makes that conscious decision without some level of mental health issue involved.

The second memory was when I lived in Nova Scotia in a city surrounding. One Saturday morning my doorbell rang. I went to the door and there stood a young boy about 14 and a man about my age. They asked me for a donation for their hockey team. I asked them what the donation was for and they said they were raising funds for their hockey team expenses. I looked at the father's car which was still running sitting behind mine at the end of my drive - it was a Lexus SUV. I looked at the boy and he was wearing Nike runners and an expensive NHL jersey. I looked from the boy to the father and my mouth got ahead of my brain and said, "are you serious?" to the man, then "I mean, is this for your team?" to the boy because some part of me was just really hoping they were raising it for some other less fortunate kids who couldn't otherwise afford to play, you know, like that they were doing charity work. The boy said, "yeah" it was for his own expenses. I surprised the father because he stumbled a little saying something like, "uh, yeah, we're, um, raising money for, you know, ice time, stuff like that." I can't recall for sure but I think my face was smiling because I couldn't believe it. I said to the father, "is that your Lexus?" He said yes. I said to the boy, "those are really nice Nike's and I like your NHL jersey" and he kind of mumbled, "thanks." And they continued to stand there. So I said to the father, "are you really asking me to subsidize your hockey expenses for your son's hockey?" He said something like, "well, yes, we are supposed to raise 50% of our costs"...so I said, "you are SUPPOSED to or you CHOOSE to?" He said, well, it's "what all the other kids are doing." I told him something like, "I give a lot of money to charity, but I reserve those funds for groups that I feel need it, not groups who seem to have some sense of entitlement to have their neighbor's subsidize their life expenses." I mean, I would have been all for supporting someone who needed it but it bothers me when people who don't really have a need are dipping into the already small pool of funds available to those who truly need it. This incident has really stuck with me and probably always will because it's just so wrong.

My point - as I thought of this story today and thought about this poor woman trying to raise money to go visit her mother, it really reminded me of how selfish much of society is, living their lives never thinking of others or never looking for opportunities to serve others. But the truly sad part of it is that they are missing out on such a huge sense of fulfillment and don't even know it. They don't know what they don't know. And I just really wish they did, I wish everyone did, because nothing is more gratifying and fulfilling than doing something to help another fellow being.

So tomorrow, join me in making it your mission to serve another person...shovel their step, pull over when you see a car broken down and ask if you can call someone for them, let a merging car in front of you even if it's not their turn, tell someone they are doing a good job - the grocery clerk who rings through your items or the video store clerk who helps you find a movie. It is so very easy for us to make that effort but it gives such a huge amount of happiness to the person receiving it. When someone tells me at work that I have done a great job on something, it makes my whole day and it's just a few words, it was so easy for them to do. So do it...and practice this until you are doing it every day without even having to think about it.

My life is so much more fulfilling when I focus outward more often instead of inward.

There Are No Ordinary Moments - Live In The Now

2010-12-19T11:56:00.000-05:00

Dan Millman taught me a powerful lesson. Actually, he taught me many powerful lessons but today, I just want to talk about one.

You see, Dan Millman is one of my heroes because he taught me to live in the moment. He is a gymnast who at one time in his life believed that the only thing that mattered in his life was getting to the Olympics and winning the gold medal. He had all the self-talk we have all experienced in our lives: "When I win the gold, I will be happy" he told himself. We have all experienced this: When I get my credit card paid off, whew, then I will relax, THEN I will be happy. When I find the right mate, boy oh boy, THEN I will be happy. When we get out of this apartment and buy a house, yes, THEN I will be happy.

But the real question is - what happens between now...and THEN? Do we sit in that apartment and do nothing to make it the most beautiful and comfortable place on earth for us and our family just because it's not that house we want (you know, the house that will make us finally happy)? Or do we say "someday, I will have that house but in the meantime...I am going to pour all of my heart and soul into making this apartment the home of my dreams so that while I'm waiting for that house, I am living every day in my happiest state." Why not? Why would one actually choose to be not happy until something else happens in our life? Why do we delay being happy? My credit card debt is here today and will be here tomorrow and next week and next month and probably still next year - sure, I will work my best to pay it off, but why would I let that dictate when and how I may be happy in my life?

Doesn't that seem sort of, well, completely and ridiculously silly?!

What would happen if I die next week. Or like so many, if I die before ever getting those elusive things that I "think" are what I need to be happy?

So how does one learn to be happy? It's simple - it's a choice, and the choice is yours. Make the choice to live only in the now, live only for this very moment. If you are taking your children to the movie theater for the day to see the new Disney movie, don't focus on all that you have to do when you get home, don't focus on what you have to do at work tomorrow, don't focus on how you are going to through the Christmas week with work and school schedules, don't focus on that thing your spouse did this morning that annoyed you that is over and why are you even still thinking about something in the past?! See where I'm going? It's called taking the trash out.

Learn from your children. Children and dogs know how to live only in the moment. At that movie theater, those kids are happy and excited and jumping up and down and staring wide-eyed at the candy counter and chattering with each other about how excited they are to see Shrek or Donkey again; they are not holding a grudge against their brother who hit them four hours ago in the bathtub, they are not worrying about whether they will get to school on time tomorrow or what they will have for lunch or whether they got all their homework done. They are living only for the current moment.

You owe it to yourself and your children and to this very moment to take the trash out, put aside all that crap in your head. Like it or not, whether you waste this precious moment with your children focusing on that crap or not, it will all still be there when the movie is over; the difference between making the choice to live for the moment or not is that if you chose not to, you just cheated both yourself and your children out of a great life moment with you.

Van Wilder once said, "Worrying is like a rocking chair; it gives you something to do, but it won't get you anywhere." Think about that.

There are no ordinary moments in life; every moment is unique and special and important and memorable. Living only for the moment and putting 100% focus only on this moment takes practice but once you master it, you will be shocked at how much more you see in life that you didn't see before, how much more you will experience, how much more relaxed you are mentally and emotionally, how much better you will be at whatever it is that you are supposed to be doing in that moment, and mostly, how much happier you will be.

Life is Too Short to Hold Grudges - I Am Making the Choice

2010-11-30T22:45:00.009-05:00

It feels really good to make the choice to let go. It is somehow...freeing. The concept sounds incredibly simple and obvious, yet so many of us have such trouble doing it and the reason is simple: EGO. Someone wrongs us and we feel that if we let it go, we are somehow letting them get away with something. But what really are we doing by holding onto these grudges? We are exercising our ego, not to mention creating a whole bunch of negativity for ourselves - and negativity feeds disease and at this point in my life, that is a luxury I simply cannot afford.

I recently had two opportunities to repair friendships that would involve me putting my ego aside: one friend I sought out, and the other came to me seeking answers for an admittedly stupid reaction that I had to some lies she was told about me by someone close to her.

I have been working the last several months on improving myself in very specific ways; I have been reading a lot and have learned some really great things. One, the only person I control is me - I do not control what anyone else thinks or says or does. Two, I cannot change the past. And three, every minute I spend thinking about the past is a minute that I am NOT spending bettering myself - for the future.

The only thing that matters is that I do my best now going forward and this means that it doesn't matter who did what in any situation, it's all irrelevant, all that matters is that I attempt to make peace and learn to let it go. Realizing this, I was becoming at peace with many things that have happened in my life and were about to happen.

See choosing to put our ego on the shelf and let things go is the only choice we have if we wish to live in peace and happiness - and then how others choose to react to our choices and our decisions and our apologies, only they can own. Our job is to apologize, let it go, and move on. Letting some of our own past behaviors go is a hard pill to swallow sometimes, especially when we let guilt eat at us, but guilt is a really nasty thing. Sounds simple and oddly enough, it really is that simple - it may not be EASY but it is simple, no question. No matter what you did, right or wrong, this is all you can do and then you owe it to yourself not to dwell on a past that you cannot change.

For me, in the first case we have made peace and are friends again and I am very grateful to have love and peace with her. In the second, not so. I believe that everything is as it's supposed to be in our lives so I accept that outcome as the way it needs to be, for whatever reason.

The lesson I have learned is really quite simple: I can't change the past, I can only make careful choices that I can be at peace with moving forward, and try to always remember that life is too short to hold grudges.

Walking Through Illusion

2010-10-03T02:45:00.011-04:00

I was contacted by an author who stumbled upon my blog and felt that we were on similar paths so asked if I would be interested in reading her book and writing a review on it. The book is called Walking Through Illusion and the author is Betsy Otter Thompson. Betsy is an accomplished author who lives in Philadelphia.

Betsy Otter Thompson

Now, as I started to make little notes and fold pages as I read, I quickly realized that to keep this blog to a respectable length, I was going to have my work cut out for me. It seemed every page in this book, I was wanting to highlight a statement. Here is what the author writes about the book in the preface: “It was written to challenge me to become accountable. Where once I’d been dealing with guilt, I was finding growth; where once I’d been dealing with hate, I was finding compassion; where once I’d been feeling resentful, I was feeling autonomous.”

Now, at this point in my life, especially very recently, I have landed at this very exact same point. I am in a place where I am softening in my thought path; I am seeing life events as lessons instead of betrayals, as opportunities for growth instead of failures. There are so many things I loved in this book that I have decided to approach this by simply calling out the lessons in this book that most spoke to me:

That no amount of outside reform will solve any problems I may encounter in life; that whatever situations I have created for myself, only I could recreate something better.

That illness is not just a disease, but it is a dis-ease within myself that I have created. That illness is our body’s way of forcing us to rest so we can heal because we won’t rest otherwise.

That I may think I can choose my friends regardless of how I behave but that the truth is that I will have the friends who behave as I do. And boy have I learned this one.

That the path I am trying to live now is to go from resenting those who have wronged me to loving the growth they have afforded me.

That it doesn’t matter what I believe in as a faith; it makes no difference in terms of how my life will progress; that my life will progress according exactly to what I accorded others.

That if we are honest when we are asked to be honest, we are giving the greatest gift of all – the chance to let the God in us express.

That approval in my life can never, ever come from someone else; there is only one person who must approve my choices and behavior – myself.

That taking ownership of my truth is the only path to true happiness and success.

That I will honor all the people (good or bad) from my past equally because they have each participated in a very important way in my evolution and that I am grateful for that.

That I will always ask myself, “would I want what I did, done to me?” and if I wouldn’t, then I will not do it and recognize that if I do, it will return to slap me in the face with the added power of physics.

That it is our choice whether we keep the bad memories alive or choose to keep the good ones instead.

That time is an illusion. When we are children, time seems to go by very slowly because we are not focusing on it but are instead focusing on such a high volume of learning and growth and development. As adults, we become familiar with life and we start to feel we need to rush and move things along so we create the illusion of time seeming faster. Time is time, it is just that, whether we are 5 or 95, but how we create the illusion of time with our own thoughts determines its speed. Instead, my focus must be on ensuring that I use the time I have in best way so that I make the next phase of my life worthy.

Much of the above are things I recognize but enjoyed reading in another person’s viewpoint to add clarity. The biggest lesson, however, that I did learn from this book was about God. When I started reading this book and saw that it appeared at first glance to be heavily Jesus/God focused, I was apprehensive because you see – I do not believe in God in the religious sense as most people I know do. I have always felt slighted when “believers” refer to me as a “non-believer” because I do not believe in their view of God; and my feeling has always been that it's not that I am a non-believer, I simply do not believe in God in a religious sense – I instead have always believed that God is a moral conscience and is within each of us, a set of rules that I live by guiding my decisions and behavior.

I then read where Betsy wrote, “I believe that God is in every faith, religion, and philosophy if the participant has a heart full of love. God is a power within – not a power that is only met at death." When I read this, I felt warmth and acceptance from someone who believes in God in the religious sense, that she was able to accept that I could have a belief that is just as worthy as hers.

I related to her comments that when one thinks of God as a separate being, a force outside of ourselves instead of a force within our own hearts, we create problems; we depend on God to get us out of pickles that we ourselves create; we expect God to forgive us our sins when it is we who must forgive ourselves; we pray for God to rid us of diseases when it is we who hold the dis-eased thoughts; we pray for God to bless our family and friends while we ourselves do not often bless and appreciate their presence in our lives. In my own inner belief system, I saw how at times in my own past that I have not really shown my gratitude enough for the many great and wonderful people and successes in my life.

Basically, what I learned from this book is that I was reminded to resist relying on external forces or beings to make my life what I want it to be and instead, continue to look within myself because in truth, that is where all of my answers lie – all of the strength I need to continue to make my life what I want it to be, all of the love I need to find the friendships and relationships I want, all of the compassion I need to put out to the universe what I want to get back. What I put out, I will get back so truly – do unto others as I would have others do unto me and I will find all the love and freedom I desire in this life.

And whatever "God" is to you...God bless you.

The Fall of Flint, Michigan

2010-09-18T13:25:00.001-04:00

I have long enjoyed Michael Moore's movies. Just like anyone who voices their opinion in public, he has his share of arm chair critics picking and prodding at everything he says. I simply like Michael because he is not afraid to stand up for what he believes in and fearlessly speak out to bring awareness to the things that matter to him.

Now, having enjoyed Michael's movies, I have been continually saddened to see his portrayal of his hometown of Flint, Michigan and how it has eroded in the last 30 years due to numerous causes, but one major factor being General Motors pulling somewhere around 50,000 jobs out of the town. I live in Toronto, Canada, just a few hours from Flint, so I decided to take a drive there and see for myself if Michael's portrayal of Flint was accurate or exaggerated.

As I arrived in Flint, I sought out a Starbucks on my GPS so that I could quickly jump online and investigate a map of where I was. As I pulled into the Starbucks parking lot, I swung forward to back into a spot and saw a car behind me. Being sensitized to the Toronto way of life, I immediately tried to back in very quickly, knowing the person behind me would be cursing at me, rolling their eyes, and huffily trying to push by me instead of just patiently letting me park. As I backed in, I did my customary "thank you for your patience!" smile and wave to the lady behind me as she passed me, hoping to ward off the middle-finger salute I have become accustomed to. To my pleasant surprise, she not only waited patiently, but gave me a huge smile and a wave as she drove past me. I then went into Starbucks to get settled and get a yummy steamed milk with vanilla, and the staff could not have been more welcoming including other patrons who saw my laptop and camera and assumed I was on a mission and were quick to help me out with location information. My immediate first impression of Flint was - this is a really nice, friendly place, what warm and wonderful people.

Next, I moved on to the exact spot Michael calls out in his movies (Harvard and Yale Streets) and drove around. To save you the suspense, he was not even slightly exaggerating about the state of this town. Examine each of the following photographs that I took. Try to imagine standing in front of each of these houses that used to be homes but are now just boarded up empty shells. This is just a very small sample because the boarded up houses and closed businesses went on for blocks and blocks and blocks.

I wanted to write about how I was feeling as I witnessed this. I have learned that there is no website or book or photo album or blog that can prepare you for the "real" life experience of standing in front of a subject. As I slowly drove by, looking at the siding falling off, the screen doors torn and hanging, the boards over windows, the weeds overgrown in the yards, the slumping or sometimes fallen roof tops, the abandoned department store parking lots and gas stations with weeds growing out through the cracked deteriorating parking lot pavement, the completely forgotten livelihood that once flourished in these neighbourhoods, the businesses that had to close their doors and likely lose everything, all I could see and feel was sadness and pain and loss.

I imagined how these people must have felt, packing a few boxes and walking away from the only home they have ever known, a home they built with love and hard work, a home in which they returned from work and watched television and ate dinner with their families and played with their children and their dog. Families who saw that end coming, who have worked hard then lost their future, tried to keep up with the payments and bills, laying in bed night after night worrying about how they would get through, how they would put that next meal on the table for their children, how they would possibly manage to make it. When I looked at those homes, I imagined all that loss and pain and suffering, how it must have felt for those families to walk away on that last day carrying nothing but a few boxes of memories, knowing that when they walk away, their homes are going to be vandaled and destroyed, that the lawn they grew and cared for will turn to dirt and weeds, the driveway their kids rode bikes on every day will disappear under the weeds and growth, the paint they spent weeks brushing on the siding of the house years before will rot and peel as the house they once called home decomposes before their eyes. I wondered if they ever drive by just to see what is left of their old life. I wondered if they ever still dream of one day getting that house back, repainting it, pulling the weeds, and trying to make it that old home again, or do they just never go back for fear of the pain and anguish it will reignite to have to be reminded of what their life was like before corporate giant GM pulled out of Flint.

And as I drove away, I turned on my iPod and heard REM's "Everybody Hurts" playing and it brought tears to my eyes. It made me wonder where all those people are now. Are they okay? Did they find a job? Did they have to move away to another city? Are their kids okay? Did they have to give up their family pet? Have they lost hope?? I sure hope not, but it really made me think about my own life and how truly grateful I am for all that I have in my life.

I Am Beautiful...No Matter What They Say

2010-08-31T21:55:00.001-04:00

I recently had someone young who means a lot to me make a negative comment about her looks. It was like I was in a time warp, remembering exactly what that felt like to say those things about my own self when I was her age. I look at this very beautiful girl, who is kind, loving, and sweet inside and out, who is mature beyond her years, who had her friends bring donations for an animal rescue group to her 11th birthday party, a girl who is brave, compassionate, respectful, warm and beautiful. And it broke my heart.

"There's no love from someone else if I can't love myself." -- Melissa Etheridge

Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, I saw debris
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...

No matter what we do
No matter what they say
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay

And everywhere we go
The sun won't always shine
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times

'cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today

Thank you Linda Perry for these lyrics...YOU are beautiful.

Think Yourself Into Pure Happiness and Acceptance

2010-08-27T23:32:00.000-04:00

I first heard of Byron Katie while driving through the Midwest USA and listening to Sirius satellite radio. There was a segment of what she spoke of that I thought was fascinating. I have done this exercise with my own self and learned some valuable lessons about a few situations in my life and it all comes down to evaluating issues with a four-question process that Katie breaks down as follows.

All the suffering that goes on inside our minds is not reality, says Byron Katie. It's just a story we torture ourselves with. She has a simple, completely replicable system for freeing ourselves of the thoughts that make us suffer. "All war begins on paper," she explains. You write down your stressful thoughts, and then ask yourself the following four questions:

Question 1: Is it true?
This question can change your life. Be still and ask yourself if the thought you wrote down is true.

Question 2: Can you absolutely know it's true?
This is another opportunity to open your mind and to go deeper into the unknown, to find the answers that live beneath what we think we know.

Question 3: How do you react—what happens—when you believe that thought?
With this question, you begin to notice internal cause and effect. You can see that when you believe the thought, there is a disturbance that can range from mild discomfort to fear or panic. What do you feel? How do you treat the person (or the situation) you've written about, how do you treat yourself, when you believe that thought? Make a list, and be specific.

Question 4: Who would you be without the thought?
Imagine yourself in the presence of that person (or in that situation), without believing the thought. How would your life be different if you didn't have the ability to even think the stressful thought? How would you feel? Which do you prefer—life with or without the thought? Which feels kinder, more peaceful?

Turn the thought around:
The "turnaround" gives you an opportunity to experience the opposite of what you believe. Once you have found one or more turnarounds to your original statement, you are invited to find at least three specific, genuine examples of how each turnaround is true in your life.

As I listened to her, I realized that I unknowingly went through this exercise with myself a couple of years ago about my weight. I was always thin as a child and then as an adult, I gained about 30 extra pounds. I went through phases of being a gym rat and being in really great physical shape and then eventually would go back to being 30 lbs heavier and I did this change probably a few times in my life and each time, I can reflect and see that I was unhappy when I was fit and I was happy when I was slightly heavier. At about the time I turned 40, I woke up one day after reading The Four Agreements again (which I have read yearly for a number of years) and decided to make the choice to accept who I am exactly as I am and to no longer allow my thoughts about my weight hold me hostage.

If I reflect on this process using Katie's four-question series, this is how it goes down.

My issue: I thought I was fat; I often looked at myself and thought I would be better if I were 30 lbs lighter. I didn't know what the better was or why, I guess I just didn't think about it, but I felt life would be better if I were thinner again (even though it was the opposite but my consciousness wasn't "aware" of that).

Question 1: Is it true?
Yes, I believed it was true that I was fat, I saw the extra weight in the mirror. Yes, at that time, it was true.

Question 2: Can you absolutely know it's true?
This is where it gets interesting. Katie asks questions to really understand if you really are right in believing what you believe. First, what does fat look like to me in my head? It is a horrible yucky thing, it is excess flab, it is ugly, and it is a sign of weakness. Now to realistically answer this question, we must ask realistic and true questions: What does being obese do to a person – it makes you immobile, it restricts you from being able to do things that others do, it makes your breathing labored, it makes your body ache, it makes you tired all the time, you can’t find clothes that fit, it affects how others look at you. I would tell myself that I am fat and therefore, I would believe it, but after reflecting on these questions, was I REALLY fat? I am 5’8” and I wear size 12 or 14, I get out of bed and go to work every day, I play on the floor with my dogs, I walk 2-3 km/day with my dogs, I do yoga, I travel extensively - so when I start to think of all the things I do despite this belief, I must ask myself "Was I really fat, is it really absolutely true?" Or was it all just a lie I told myself because I didn't like something about myself? Did my weight change my mobility? No. Did my weight prevent me from doing anything that I could do if I were 30 lbs lighter? No. If I were honest with myself, I had to acknowledge that it was not really true that I was so horribly fat. No, I could not absolutely know it was true. It was not true.

Question 3: How do you react — what happens — when you believe that thought?
Cause and effect – what happened to me when I believed that thought? I ended up not liking something about myself, plain and simple. I thought I was worth less than others who were thinner than I, I thought I was less attractive, it lowered my self-esteem and I then was always consumed with the thought that I was weak because why was I letting myself be this unattractive?

Question 4: Who would you be without the thought?
And this is where I arrived back then: Which do you prefer — life with or without the thought? Which feels kinder, more peaceful? The answer for me was simple: I love who I am without that thought and therefore, I am choosing to live without it. It's that simple. I chose to no longer believe that I was fat and instead believe that I am *insert 20 adjectives* just as I am.

And interestingly enough, when you choose to remove the thought, the symptom tends to go away with it – once I chose to not corrupt my mind with this thought anymore, I started eating differently, walking more, and my weight dropped a little. Not the 30 lbs I was convinced I needed to lose before, but when you do the things you need to do to be healthy, your body arrives where it is meant to be. Just like we are all where we are meant to be in life, when we take care of our mind and spirit and health, our body arrives where it is meant to be also. And if that is with a few extra pounds, then I am what I am - but I will not be what I am afraid of.

Byron Katie taught me that I am not necessarily my thoughts; but that since we do end up being what we think, then those thoughts must be healthy choices.

Choose only love. :)

Solitude is Heaven on Earth

2010-08-23T18:33:00.000-04:00

I just spent a week on the road by myself touring the Midwest United States. I met up with friends in every location I visited but aside from a short drive from Des Moines to Omaha (thanks for the company and laughs, E!), I spent ten days on the road alone. I drove 2,873km (1,785mi) in ten days moving through 8 state changes in total and visiting Chicago twice; Grand Rapids, Michigan; Milwaukee, Wisconsin; St. Louis, Missouri; Des Moines, Iowa; Omaha, Nebraska and drove through the state of Indiana I think three times. There is nothing like ten days on the road alone to do a whole bunch of reflection and self-discovery! I discovered a number of things on this trip.

I discovered first and foremost just how much I truly love being alone.

I discovered that experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.

I discovered satellite talk radio. I discovered Rosie Radio and Michelangelo Santarelli and Byron Katie.

I discovered that the best concert crowd ever is in Chicago.

I discovered that leather pants on a stage are really where it’s at.

I discovered that I could easily become addicted to orange Fanta.

I discovered that it is possible to drive six hours without a pit stop.

I discovered that speeding tickets are much cheaper in Iowa than anywhere in Canada.

I discovered that I could never, ever, ever live in the middle of farmland no where.

I discovered where Oprah lives and that it really isn’t that extravagant.

I discovered that you can get a professional camera into a concert 5 out of 6 times.

I discovered that a diesel nozzle doesn’t fit into a gas tank. I discovered that Chicago’s cement parking stops look exactly like our speed bumps and that you shouldn’t drive over them. I discovered that rental car insurance is a very good investment.

I discovered that cheap hotels don’t charge for internet but expensive ones do.

I ate 7-Eleven chicken strips at 2am.

I discovered a new friend from Detroit who made me laugh for three straight hours through a suffocatingly hot outdoor concert in Grand Rapids, Michigan that was worth every minute. I discovered that when it’s hot enough, you can drink two beer and two bottles of water in four hours and never have to go to the ladies room.

I discovered that I can spend 18 hours in an air conditioned hotel room in Milwaukee with a 52-inch TV, a book, wireless internet, and room service and never get bored for one single minute and relish every second of it.

I discovered that sometimes people are not who you thought they were. I discovered that you can choose not to give your power away to those with bad intentions by choosing to love them regardless of how they treat you.

I discovered that eating in a late-night creepy diner in St. Louis can bring you to meet the kindest, most hard-working man who was the waiter, bartender, and cook all in one for about 20 years at the same diner.

I discovered that Des Moines has absolutely amazing sculptures.

I discovered a woman with cotton candy hair and that eBay sellers stalk rock stars’ buses.

I discovered that a parking lot that would cost $25 in Toronto cost only $7 in Des Moines and $10 in Omaha.

I discovered that sometimes a 30-minute nap on the side of the I-35 can be as refreshing as a whole night’s sleep.

I discovered that if you are a little creative, you can negotiate really great fourth row concert seats in Las Vegas.

I discovered that you aren’t permitted to bring your weapons into the concert hall in Omaha…because that’s what the sign on the door to the fancy concert hall said: “no weapons.”

And I discovered that saying hello to a hero…never gets old.

Most importantly, I discovered that the only person whose job it is to like me…is me.

We Are the All That Is...Live in the Now

2010-08-19T17:30:00.000-04:00

I remember when I was about 33 years old (shocking that is 10 years ago now!) I read a book called “How to Get What You Want and Want What You Have” by John Gray. The title says it all. For me, this was the first book of many that I ever read in what people like to call the “self help” genre. Before that, I was of the George Carlin attitude: he said that he never understood why people read self-help books – “if you are f-ked up, how do you actually think you are going to help yourself, idiot?” RIP George, funny guy, and it was funny at the time, but I was at work in a job where I felt unappreciated, unacknowledged, unchallenged, and about 20 other “un” words that fit being in a job where you go to work every day knowing that you are about to waste eight hours of your life contributing nothing of value to the world whatsoever. I had tried to move up in the company; even went so far as to put together an entire proposal in a fancy binder for a position that I felt was required at this organization to fix shortfalls that I recognized in the organization that I felt I had the skills and experience to improve and make the organization more efficient. Yes, my boss agreed with me and encouraged me to build the proposal. He took it to his boss and recommended that the position be created. The answer: no. See, at that time, I worked for an engineering company and if you were not an engineer or a machinist, they did not hide the fact that you were pretty much invisible and not worth their investment. Or as the Human Resources Manager at the time pointed out: “You are wasting your time with this proposal – you are never going any higher than the position you are in now; I assumed you accepted that when you chose this line of work.” Thanks for the encouragement, Mr. H.

I digress. I was miserable and felt I was wasting my abilities and so what do we traditionally do when we are miserable in our job and those we think can help us develop and grow are beating us down? We believe what we are told about ourselves, that we are worth no more, and we sit in the cafeteria with our co-workers and friends and bitch about it (not much unlike high school). And that is what I did for most of the three years that I worked there. A co-worker and friend of mine was in a similar position as I (unhappy, feeling unproductive, and feeling there was nowhere to go) and she made the choice to apply for another job outside the company. She got it, and she left. I was so thrilled for her and so envious, wishing I could do the same (yet found every excuse in the book for why I couldn’t). As she was finishing her final days with the company and about to head out on this great new life adventure, she and I were chatting one day and she said to me, “I have a book that I want you to read” and she handed me this book, a book that was the beginning of changing my life forever.

I went home and read the book in two nights and not to sound dramatic, but my life was changed instantly. I don’t want to drag on into the specifics of the book but in short, this is the message: if you spend your life regretting the past and wishing for the future and never living for now, you will never be happy, and everything in life is a choice, even if the only choice we have is the attitude with which we embrace each moment. It sounds hokey, but it’s the truth. “I’ll be happy when my credit cards are paid off.” Why? How will my life be drastically different and better without that credit card debt? Sure, life is always a little more relaxed when you have no debt, but let’s be honest – we all have debt: mortgages, car payments, and life debt like utilities, cell phones, clothing, food, entertainment, gas – these may not be sitting on a bill in front of us, but they are ongoing debt that we know we have FOREVER. Listen people, it costs to live, so life is a daily debt, but like everything in your life, you must manage it responsibly but don’t let it hold you hostage – once you truly and honestly accept that, your life will change. So the point is – if you are waiting for “I’ll be happen when…” I can promise you, you will NEVER be happy and before you know it, you will be 50 or 60 or 80 and realize that you never really lived because you wasted your life waiting for happiness to come to you.

So what I learned is – what am I waiting for as I sit in that cafeteria, day after day, hating my job? Stop worrying about things you can’t change, stop being angry about things you don’t control, stop worrying about things that “might” happen to you someday, stop worrying about whether you will find that relationship or get that home or buy that car because I can promise you this: if you spend your life waiting for “someday,” you will wake up one day and realize you never really lived, that you cheated yourself out of the experience of life, that you never really learned who you are. The next 10, 20, 30 years are going to pass whether you are spending them biding time waiting to be happy, or whether you are spending them living life to the fullest; I chose the latter. Since I changed my attitude about this ten years ago, I have changed companies, I have done further education, I have had three promotions, I have traveled the world, I have made incredible friends, I have had life experiences that have quite literally changed my life, I have found heroes, many of them, I have learned so much about myself and who I am all while I was choosing not to sit around waiting for that mysterious happiness to knock on my door. I still don’t have that fancy home I used to dream of, I still don’t have that expensive sports car I used to dream of, I don’t have many of the things that I dreamed of 10 or 20 years ago but it’s not for lack of money – it’s because what I have learned is that while I was busy living my life and growing and learning and changing and becoming a completely different, stronger, happier person, those things were somehow forgotten by the wayside. As time passed and I learned who I really am, I learned that those are not the things I wanted after all because if I did, I would have them. If you don’t get out there and live life and discover yourself and who you really are and what makes you passionate, what makes you cry with joy and inspiration and desire, what things you truly want and need, you could spend your entire life seeking something that you might one day realize you never really needed or wanted, and that you missed out on life while doing it. It’s never, ever too late to start on this journey.

“Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.” – Dan Stanford

The Heart of a Woman...Indeed

2010-07-02T22:40:00.007-04:00

I just spent a week in countries that live a very different lifestyle, or better said I guess, a different culture, than we are used to in North America: Amsterdam and Berlin. So much less materialism, superficiality, and so much more relaxed and at peace. It's like they "get it" in a way that we spoiled North Americans don't. They don't have air conditioning in most places and it's just okay, you just accept that sometimes you have to be warm and they never complain about it; everyone rides bicycles and no one wears helmets and the cars and bikes and pedestrians just watch out for each other and it gets hectic but no one lays on the horn and has a road-rage temper tantrum, swearing and yelling at each other, they just move on as though they get that there is more to life than petty annoyances of daily transport. Bottom line - I felt no sense of entitlement...it was beautiful, amazing, I want to master their attitude. I returned home today with a renewed sense of peace and longing to be a better person and once again feel that awesome shift in my head of my life moving in yet another direction - it is such a great feeling - I am learning again! I live for these moments. And in all this, I have discovered a new song that before this trip I really liked but after this trip, I feel I actually "get" the message so much more. These simply brilliant lyrics are really where my head is today. We must all celebrate our own power to stand up in this world and make change, celebrate the woman wise!

THE HEART OF A WOMAN
by Melissa Etheridge

tell me sweet sister
tell me why are you crying?
did you think this world was a bitter place
and that love must be dying?

well I stand before you now
humbled
with a message from a higher law
telling us that we can have it all
just let this whole world crumble
just let it fall
don't be afraid
the new world is on its way

angels come here
to the heart of a woman
take away the fear
from the heart of a woman

our power ends
precisely where our fear begins
so find the love that has no end
and send it right back to you

we are so afraid of time and space
the tracks that life leaves on our face
where's our dignity?
we have no pride
we must celebrate the woman wise
and love our hips and love our thighs
we can make the goddess rise
we've been asleep 2,000 years
c'mon c'mon wake up wake up
wake up my dear

oh angels come here
to the heart of a woman
take away the fear
in the heart of a woman

the greatest of the mysteries
has been silenced throughout history
but the change is gonna come
the change is coming from
the heart of a woman

although your eyes are teary now
Mother Earth is weary now
in our time the pain will cease
this woman holds the missing piece
in the heart, in the heart of a woman
angels come here, come here, in the heart of a woman

the greatest of the mysteries
in the heart of a woman

take away the fear
take away the fear
from the heart of a woman

in the heart of a woman

I am what I am. Yes I am, and it's really not so horrible.

2010-06-06T23:06:00.003-04:00

Every five years or so, I foray back into internet dating just to be reminded of why I choose to stay single. How soon we forget who we are and sometimes as we live life, we start to forget certain aspects of who we are and start to fade into society's sheeple herding line until we are reminded by an experience to step out of line and get back on our path.

So the issue here isn't the internet dating itself (which I happen to think is the best invention ever for meeting people), or the people I meet, it's the fact that I sometimes just need to be reminded that I am always happiest when I am alone. There is a theory that the longer one lives alone, the less likely it is that they will ever couple again. I am one who has always been very happy alone...I don't just mean "hey, I don't mind being alone, it's okay"...I mean "I LOVE being alone." I love going to movies by myself. I love going to baseball games by myself. I love just being able to choose to spend all weekend sitting on my sofa watching movies with my dogs and talking to my good friends around the world on the internet, and then occasionally spending an afternoon or evening with a friend or friends.

In short - I look forward all week to the weekend so that I can check out of the social expectations of society and what I'm "supposed to want to do" and just be myself again for two and a half days.

Over the last few years, I have really come to understand who I am and what I am looking for in life and I am looking for someone to complement my life just as it is. I love me, I love my life, and I am not looking to change it to suit another person. Now before you jump on the "you are selfish" bandwagon, consider this: everything we do in life is selfish. Me being alone is selfish (I get my life just the way I want it) and others being in a relationship is selfish (they are getting the love they want and do not have to be alone).

Everything we do in life is self-serving in SOME way, or we would not do it.

I also would like to address this comment that if I had a nickel for every time someone has said it to me, I'm pretty sure I could afford to buy a Tim Horton's franchise: "you are too picky." I actually had someone tell me two weeks ago "you are beautiful and kind, I can't believe you are single, you need to lower your standards." YOU NEED TO LOWER YOUR STANDARDS. I laughed...out loud, actually hahaha just like I'm doing as I'm typing this. Lower my standards? Read on.

Here's the deal: let's assume you golf every weekend, you are addicted, golf is fantastic, you love it, you do it every chance you get, you think golf is the BOMB, you just can't understand how on earth everyone could not just LOVE golfing, I mean, it's fantastic! But none of your friends like golf, your partner hates it, so what to do? You find golf buddies and you golf with them; you golf with co-workers; you enter work tournaments and maybe even join a club to find like-minded golfers to regularly golf with. What you do NOT do is constantly ask your friends and your partner to please come golf with you using persuasions such as "c'mon, just do it, I KNOW you will like it better than NOT golfing!" or "you need to try it more, you just haven't found the right course/golf buddy/clubs yet."

So my question is...why is it that some of those in relationships feel so sure that how they choose to live (partnered) is somehow better/more satisfying than how I choose to live (single)? So my message is - it's not. It's apples and oranges. You like apples; I like oranges. Maybe someday if the right apple comes along that fits into my life, I might like apples, too, but I am not the last, wilted, dried-up orange in the bag tucked under the apple bag just hanging around waiting for garbage day. I am a big, bright, juicy, ripe Florida seedless orange and when that light goes off in the fridge and no one is looking, they don't see when that orange kicks back with a Corona, a foot stool, and a big screen TV and is grateful for the incredible life she has just the way it is.

Happiness is a choice and I am living my happiness.

Have you ever been judged for wanting to make the world a better place?

2010-05-13T21:40:00.000-04:00

I know I can say that I have...on more than a few occasions. A friend forwarded me a link to a blog today and I read it with a huge smile on my face. This person put my feelings more perfectly into words than I ever could have, especially if you are an animal lover who has ever, like me, been judged for it. This is a blog in reply to a comment under an article about animal shelters in the Toronto Star.

**start**

How to answer a question of great stupidity

This is the original letter:

I know, not a very popular opinion that humans are more important that pets... but THEY ARE. We live in an insular, privileged society where we have the luxury of obessing over pets and buying them designer collars. The reality is that there are many places around the world where children are living much less humainely, starving to death, dying in war. But we shudder, donate a couple of bucks and go play fetch with Rover. Of course, now the party's over and reality is hitting us all now that money is tight. I'm sorry, but $1,200 for shots for your dog is excessive no matter what income bracket you fall into. You can feed a family in Africa for like a year with that money.

Submitted by jmysk, from the comments section of a recent Toronto Star article called Shelters fear flood of pets as times get tough

Remember when your politically correct, kindhearted teachers told you there are no stupid questions? Well, they were wrong. There are stupid questions. Lots of them. Worse yet, it's not the questions that are stupid. It's the person asking. I'm not talking about someone asking a sincere question in hopes of obtaining a sincere answer. No, those questions are always good. Those questions are valuable. Those questions help to shed light onto things which may need illuminating.

I'm talking about the questions posed by the self-righteous, by the hypocritical stone throwers, by those who hope to disparage anyone who is even the least bit concerned about the well being of living creatures other than ourselves. I'm talking about the number one stupid question that is so commonly asked of anyone who expresses an interest in helping animals.

I'm talking about this question:

How can you possibly justify helping animals when there are so many needy people in the world?

Yep, that's the one. I'm sure you've come across it somewhere (if not, please tell me where you live 'cause I'm moving there), maybe in the comments section of a newspaper article dealing with animal welfare, maybe at work over lunch, maybe over casual conversation in the checkout line at the grocery store.

That's Grand Daddy Stupid but it's got many spawn. Here are some of them:

How can you spend (so much) money on a pet when there are starving kids out there?

How can you justify keeping all those animals when there are homeless people on the street?

How can you possibly care so much about dogs when they're just dumb animals?

The majority of the time, anyone who throws up these questions does it in a context where the discussion involves the relative worth of "animals" vs "people". Asking any of these questions implies that the person asking considers animals to have little or no intrinsic value, or possibly, at best, a value based on its worth as a commodity with respect to being a food item or an article of clothing. The questions imply that deep down the person asking really couldn't give a shit if the planet was completely depopulated of every other living creature as long as humans managed to get something out of it.

Immediately, you know the following about the person asking any of these questions:

1. The person is self-righteous, calling you immoral based on a fallacy.

2. The person is a hypocrite for being no better, most likely worse, with regards to compassion.

3. The person is morally lazy and thus prone to accepting without question, bigotry and intolerance of all sorts.

4. The person is most likely trying to assuage their own guilt for being stingy at helping other living creatures.

Holy crap where am I getting this from? Well, let's deconstruct the question and see where it leads us.

When someone questions your involvement with helping animals over helping, say hungry kids in Africa, he's essentially criticizing you for how you spend your free time and money. In essence, he is saying, that anything you do outside of helping those hungry kids in Africa is immoral because helping those kids or helping the homeless or helping the poor are the top priorities everyone should have. Okay, let's say that moral assumption is true. Fine, then that morality judgment would have to apply to everyone including the person asking.

And this is where the self righteous, hypocritical, morally retarded nature of this question becomes as apparent as a pile of shit on a white living room carpet.

Ask him this:

Does he have a TV? How can he waste any time watching TV when there are so many needy people in the world?

Does he go out to restaurants? How can he splurge on going out to eat when there are so many hungry children in the world?

Does he own any CDs, any jewelery, a car, a house? How can he waste so much money when there are homeless people on the streets?

You see what I'm getting at, right? He's basically judging you for wasting your free time and money on something he feels is worthless while allowing himself the moral luxury of wasting time doing whatever the f*ck he pleases. He's basically saying that it's morally superior for him to, say, go out and get pisspants drunk on Friday night than it is for you to volunteer with a dog rescue. He's saying that it's morally superior for him to spend a few thousand dollars on his junk-in-five-years home entertainment system than it is for you donate some cash to the local animal shelter. He's telling you it's okay for him to spend tens of thousands of dollars tarting up his house but it's morally repugnant for you to spend a few hundred dollars on vet bills.

He tries to twist around the argument by comparing someone who volunteers with animal care against someone who works with hungry kids in Africa but that's not the real comparison. The real comparison is between the animal care volunteer and the vast vast majority of guys who spend their free time playing Grand Theft Auto or the women who obsess over the latest episode of The Hills or the guys who are getting ripped at the gym or the women who spend hours on their make-up. I'm not saying those things are bad. I'm saying that's reality. And in all likelihood, it's the reality of the person asking.

So, not only is his internal moral logic faulty, thus making him prone to all sorts of illogical prejudices, he also goes a step further by trying to make you feel bad about yourself for having a better moral compass. What reason would he have for doing something like that? Why take that extra step of going out of his way to berate the compassionate for taking action? Why not just shut up and live happily in his own self indulgent world? Why? Because he needs to assuage his own guilt. Even though his conscious moral compass is wrong, deep down, he still knows he's a selfish prick and in order to feel better about himself, he needs to try to bring everyone else down to his level or at least diminish the worth of everyone else's charity.

So the question you should be asking him is what right does he have to tell people what they should do with their free time and money especially when those people are spending it on compassion and not selfish consumerism?

What right does he have to inflict his moronic, medieval, self-serving moral code upon others?

What right does he have to be such an a**hole?

He doesn't have that right. And now you can tell him why and then tell him to shut the f*ck up and stop wasting your time.

Oh, and you can also ask him this:

What good is a person if he does no good? What use is a person if he only helps himself?

**end**

Credit to: http://www.onebarkatatime.blogspot.com

Choose Love

2010-05-09T21:53:00.001-04:00

Loving someone is a choice. I'm not talking about lusting someone or the profound love with someone built over years and experiences such as relationships where compatibility and goals play an important factor; I'm simply talking about loving people in general, choosing to love them instead of disliking them.

Love can be defined as the attachment that is created when we appreciate the goodness in a person or being. That said, love is chosen when one chooses to keep their focus on the good in a person instead of on the negative, and everyone has good in them, you just have to look for it.

How do we develop love? Love comes as the result of actions. You meet someone, they do something very thoughtful and kind for you, and in turn, you have a feeling of appreciation for the good in them that led them to that action for you...that is love. To give is to love.

Love is genuinely opening yourself up to perform an action that you likely do not benefit from but the person whom the action is intended does...unconditional love. The more you give, the more you love, and the more love you get in return.

The simplest way to look at this is - love others as you love yourself. You know you are not perfect, you know you have things and aspects of yourself that you work on regularly to change and improve; yet despite those shortcomings, you still love yourself. Look at others the same way you look at yourself.

Have you ever had a person in your life whom you knew did not like you or who did not want to be pleasant with you and you purposely made an effort to be extra pleasant to them? What happened? Maybe not the first time or even the second, but I guarantee you by the third time you do this, they will be kind to you because giving love in turn draws love out from others.

My next personal project is to make a conscious effort to love everyone I encounter, to seek out only the positive in them.

Happy Mother's Day.

Courage and Fear

2010-04-17T10:02:00.000-04:00

What we fear, we create. Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the conquest of it. If you fear something, you must do it. The rewards far outweigh the risks.

Vibrate Yourself Into Happiness!

2010-03-28T18:24:00.000-04:00

If you're like me, you love it when you hear someone say something inspiring or profound and you have a light bulb moment. A big bright light just blows on at a 10,000 watts inside your psyche and you have a crystal clear realization about something. Well, that happened to me this past week. In life we are sometimes faced with decisions that we know that by doing the right thing for ourselves, taking the right path for ourselves, we have to potentially hurt someone else. We have all been there and we have all carried our share of guilt for the negative side of those decisions even when we know 100% they were the right decisions, we have no regrets, but the heart in us still feels that pang of guilt for the pain we may have caused another person by making that decision. I was listening to an interview with Melissa Etheridge on Saturday morning and she was asked how she deals with relationships where one person starts to feel their life going down a different path away from the other, when she feels like she is being pulled in two directions – the direction she feels she needs to go and the direction she feels guilty leaving. Melissa said the following:

"It's about vibration. Everyone in your field of vibration, everyone who is in your life, in your reality, is there for a purpose and they represent a part of you and if you can look at your family and say, 'okay each of these represent the fear that whatever change, whatever I'm intending and I'm wanting and desiring,’ the universe is already creating that and it's there for you. You look at your family and they are the outer manifestation of your inner fear and I promise you if you take your focus off of your family and them being the ones that are keeping you from...your own perception of what they are doing to you, if you pull the hooks out of them and just focus on yourself and go 'okay, what am I really afraid of? Am I afraid of being alone, that if I make this choice that everyone's going to leave me, afraid of disappointing them, of disappointing myself, that it's not going to be what I thought.' Whatever those little things are just look at them and get out your tool bag go 'okay, I forgive myself for thinking this about myself, I'm grateful for this feeling because it has lead me to this desire, and I'm just going to love...I love my family, I love them, that's all I can do is love them. They're going to have their own perception of whatever is coming.' And then walk it every day and see it and visualize it and know that if you love yourself, and truly love yourself, you will never be alone. There is no alone. The ones that truly aren't going to support that vibration will vibrate out of your reality, they will all of a sudden get a job in the next state, they will literally vibrate out because that's the way it works."

Now...we all have various things and people and situations that we think about in our lives and feel guilty for as a result of decisions we made even though we know those decisions were the right ones. As I listened to Melissa say these words about 'forgiving myself' for the side of decisions that I feel guilty for, I felt a huge sense of relief. I have spent much of my life living my truth, anyone who knows me can tell you that I do not live my life by anyone’s rules but my own. However, that sort of courage also comes at a price and the price is disappointing those who do not understand my choices or my path, my need to follow my path. This past week, Melissa inspired me, as she has done so many times in the past, but this time she has inspired me to 'pull the hooks out' of those things and let go. She is right, I do not control the perception of other people and it is going to be what it is going to be, whether I choose to wallow in it or whether I choose to pull the hooks out and let it go. And I choose to pull the hooks out.

Life is good, my friends, life is good!

Judge Not...Lest Karma Come a Knockin'

2010-03-20T00:08:00.002-04:00

Someone recently commented to me about another person who had cheated on her spouse: "how could she do that, I no longer have any respect for her." I thought about this, then thought about something "Someone" did in her own past that quite frankly, I could have said this exact same comment about: "how could you do that, I no longer have any respect for you." And I then thought about things I have done in my life that I am not proud of, we all have those moments in our past, making decisions on poor judgment in a time of weakness. In those moments, I am grateful that my friends or family did not say this same comment about me and write me off.

This incident made me think how quick we are to judge others' actions, regardless of how bad we deem the action on the infamous "big lies" and "little lies" scale. I think cheaters get the worst wrap of anyone because it's one of those cut-and-dry actions; you don't ever hear someone say, "Oh cheating? Yeah, I'm okay with that." Why does "Someone" feel justified in judging this person who cheated on her spouse when she herself has, say, lied to her own spouse about something financial related? It's kind of like we rate the behavior and if we feel it's worse than anything we have done (which of course it's not, we just choose to rate it that way), we feel justified in judging them.

My point is - why are we always so quick to judge people? I am a firm believer that no one wakes up in the morning and says, "I think I will be a bad person today." They may choose bad actions, but they generally do not consciously choose to be a bad person, they have, just as we all do from time to time, made a poor choice under maybe difficult circumstances.

Let's pick an easy target, someone whom I am myself guilty of judging quite harshly - George Bush. I will not go into the list of things that I have judged George Bush for (the list is plenty), but will instead choose to see George as a feeling human being. George was a baby once, faultless, innocent, he was an innocent child once, he was a friend, he laughed and played in the yard with his dog, he rode his bicycle with his friends to the water and skipped rocks down by the river, he had sleepovers, he played board games and drank soda until he was sick, he told ghost stories, he went on adventures, he played sports and won trophies, he loved his parents, girls fell in love with him for the sweet person he was...George is, essentially, a feeling human just like you and me. George was pushed by his parents to become something and I'm sure he felt pressured to go a certain path in life and he followed that leader (his father) just like many whose fathers are our heroes. George fell in love, got married, brought two beautiful girls into the world whom he no doubt loves more than life itself and has provided with the best life he could give them, he changed their diapers, he rocked and sang them to sleep, he held them when they scuffed their knee and cried, he stood proud as they graduated from high school or won that trophy for achievement or sport, and he no doubt cried over them or their own challenges more than once. George Bush wakes up in the morning and wants to be a good person, he wants to do well, then he makes decisions that not all of us agree with and expresses his decisions in a way that frustrates us and we judge him to be a horrible, evil person because of those decisions and actions and words.

I guess what I am saying is - judge the action, but don't judge the person. Inside, we all have the desire and need to love and be loved...and be forgiven. So back to my original point about the woman who cheated on her spouse. Her actions may not have been the choice one would have liked to see her make, but I can imagine that inside, she had a myriad of things going on that she would wish we could be sensitive to, instead of judgmental of. I can imagine she was feeling neglected by her partner, she was feeling misunderstood, she was feeling sad and unloved, lonely, perhaps even judged for her own inability to please her partner, she was feeling frustrated, she was feeling that she had all these thoughts and passions in life that were not being heard, were not being understood, and then she met a person who brought all that to life again, who restored her hope. I imagine her feeling good again, feeling loved again, feeling wanted again, and feeling that "if I just feel this out, test the waters" it will make me feel better. Did she wake up that day and say, "I think I am going to be a bad person today and hurt my partner?" Of course not, but that was the unfortunate consequence that she must now live with. She wanted what we all want - to be loved, to be accepted, to be needed, validated, understood. Sometimes in life when our situation is complicated and circumstances are difficult to manage, we make weak choices. Who has any right to judge that her decision to cheat is worse than my decision to do something that I have done in my past and am not proud of, or that you have done in your past and are not proud of? We have all made poor choices in our lives from time to time and I for one am grateful that I have not been so harshly judged by most of my own friends and family.

Judge the actions, but try not to judge the person as every action we take in life comes from a place of need or lacking. Misguided decisions are just poor judgment in a time of weakness and/or desperation. Choose love...and try to understand and guide instead of choosing to hypocritically judge. Life is too short to hate.

When Exactly is "Someday"?

2010-03-06T22:01:00.003-05:00

"Someday I'm gonna..."

How many times have you caught yourself saying this? I've probably said it as many times as I've said "if I had a nickle for every time..."

So often in life we talk about things that we would love to do...someday. But do we ever get around to doing them, or do we just talk about them? Really, when is this elusive "someday"? How often do we say these comments then before we know it, a year or ten years or maybe even more has passed and we have not done any of it?

So the real question is: Why do we choose not to fulfill our dreams?
The answer is: FEAR

I know this because I have lived it - on both sides. I have been the person who was willing to do whatever it took to get something that I really wanted, there was nothing on this earth that would have stopped me, I was willing to take any risk, take on any challenge, to get it. I have also been the person who wanted something but found excuses (which we often like to call "reasons" because it sounds more noble or justified, but reasons are often just excuses in disguise) for why I couldn't do it; you know how it goes: "it's not the right time" or "I can't afford it" or "it will be too difficult" or my personal favorite excuse of my own "oh I don't really think I want it that much" when deep down, I know I'm lying to myself. All of these excuses are fear based. We are afraid of the unknown, and we take comfort in what we already know. It is safer.

The truth is, so many people die without ever having lived at all. A dream can be riches, it can be travel, it can be having a family, it can be simply living in the woods in solitude. If you feel unhappy, unfulfilled, and can often hear yourself saying, "I wish I could..." or "I would love to do..." or "I miss doing..." then you are probably one of many people making excuses for not achieving their dreams. Yes, I know, I hear you...as you are reading this you are saying to me "it's not just that simple" or "but I have responsibilities" or "I can't just uproot my family." I ask you to read the story of the 35-year-old single mother of three who put herself through law school or the kid who grew up in the projects of poverty and became an NBA player. It doesn't mean you have to let people down or give up your family; it just means it may take a longer and more difficult road for you but one thing I can promise: the next 20 years are going to pass by whether you are working towards your dream or not.

What sparked me to write this? Three days ago I got a promotion. I probably could have had this promotion two years ago but it's funny how when you're sitting on your recliner at home, the hiring hall doesn't just coming knocking on your door offering you a promotion. I have been talking about applying for different jobs, have put out a few resumes, but really, all I have been doing is talking...and talk is cheap. After a life changing experience (see February 27th post), I realized it was time to stop talking and start acting. I had all the excuses, I was a pro at it, but when I decided not to chose fear anymore, a funny thing happened...I made that goal a reality. One goal down...how many to go? One day at a time.

No reason (excuse) is powerful enough to prevent someone from getting something they REALLY want in life if they want it bad enough. The only difference between those who get what they want and those who do not is fearlessness. Those who succeed are not afraid to do what it takes to get what they want. They do not let themselves be limited by anything be it what people say to them or their life circumstances.

Colin Powell once said: "There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure."

Next on my list: Skydiving. Look out sky.

The Power of Collective Intention

2010-02-28T20:35:00.004-05:00

I believe that there is power in collective experience. This theory fascinates me, I have always believed it, but I saw it in action during the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver which just finished today. Do you believe that thought is a force? That thought can influence matter? Have you ever noticed that if you hang with a negative person a lot, you start to feel down, you put out negative energy yourself? And vice versa when you hang with someone positive. I remember someone commenting about actor Will Smith, "I really like him, he is so positive and happy, I just feel good whenever I'm hanging with him." Happiness is contagious because positive energy feeds positive energy, and collective positive energy is powerful and can effect change.

Recent studies of quantum theory have shown that both individual and collective thought can cause change. Something called a biofield meter has been used to show that there is a rotational force around all living organisms. Positive intention = positive energy which in a group = collective positive energy. You have no doubt had that experience, as we all have, where you are in a group setting such as an important sporting event and you will hear people say they could "feel the energy" and how contagious it was. It is not that the energy is "contagious" it is that that you are experiencing the power of collective positive energy...the power of collective intention.

At the site of the 2010 Vancouver Olympics, people felt the power of collective experience, the power of collective thought. Members of the Canadian men's hockey team stated that there is no question that the energy from this fiercely confident and positive home crowd flowed down to the ice to the team and empowered them to perform better; this is the power of collective intention. Canada's Prime Minister was quoted as saying, "patriotism and pride has always been there, this country was just waiting for an opportunity to show it."

That said, here is my question: why wait? Why do we need to wait for an opportunity to show it? To me, every day that we are lucky to be alive is an opportunity to show it. Imagine if Canadians showed their massive power of collective thought all the time like they did during the Vancouver Olympics? How could we change our world, our country, if 35 million people took that attitude daily instead of once only every time there is an event to celebrate?

I wish our country (and every country) could stay in the state of mind we were in for the last three weeks. The truth is, we could because thought is a choice, it is intention, it is conscious collective thought. Why not all just make the choice to keep it going?

My Pinktober Ah-Ha Moment

2010-02-27T01:24:00.001-05:00

I want to start this blog with a little story about an experience that changed my life and was the inspiration for this website.

On September 29-30, 2009, I had an extraordinary experience. When the Pinktober experience was first announced, there was little detail available other than that there would be a brief show of a couple of songs at the Hard Rock Cafe in New York followed by a flight on the Delta Pink Plane to Washington and a discussion panel the following day. As little bits and pieces of the "meaning" behind this experience started to emerge, I started to get the feeling that this was going to be something big, something special, something to remember. I was then fortunate to get a spot in this group on a cancellation of another member (which I will call my own sign from the universe).

At the Hard Rock in New York, we witnessed Melissa doing a radio interview and live performance for Sirius satellite radio. Melissa spoke on a variety of subjects, but one part of this session stands out in my memory. Melissa talked of how people fear what they do not understand, and as a result, rebel against what they fear. She spoke about how we must not focus negatively on these people but instead look within ourselves and ask why it is that what others think and say bothers us; that if we are truly at peace with our own truth, we should be able to not let others' fears affect us. She suggested that we look within ourselves and ask how we are, in fact, judging our own selves when we react to others' fear. Brilliant.

After the Hard Rock, we were transported to Kennedy airport where we arrived at Gate 20 to a virtual sea of pink. When I arrived at that gate, something happened. That was the moment that I realized that we were part of something very big that night; the energy in that room was incredible and I knew I was, in that moment, a part of something really beautiful. I saw women everywhere in pink shirts, all Delta employees who are breast cancer survivors. For a moment, I actually felt guilty being part of this thing; I thought "why am I allowed to be here, I have not suffered this disease?" Did I really deserve to be here, and why did I have this privilege? I was about to find out.

The energy and the love on that plane was an energy I have never experienced. At the symposium the next morning, Melissa touched on capitalism and how we live in such a profit-driven society. When asked by a young audience member what the youth of today can do to help bring about change, Melissa talked about how she felt individual life is more important than the corporate profit margin. Corporate profit is based on what you buy; you can change the paradigm and if what you buy and the artists you support are the ones who can bring about change, that profit margin will move towards what is important and only you have the power to make that change and thereby dictate what is important, you just have to make the choice, individually, to be that change.

As I sat there, I thought back to the night before, standing in that sea of pink at Kennedy airport, watching all the beautiful, smiling, laughing, happy men and women celebrating life, and all of a sudden the confusion lifted, I had the answer to that question of why was I there: I was there to learn from these survivors, I was there to learn that you can't wait for disease or a near-death experience to take action and make change in your life, I was there to take that powerful experience back with me and pay it forward in my own life. I was there to learn a lesson about life from these survivors, and I learned it, right there in that moment as I sat in that symposium, in front of Melissa, telling me that I can be the change, my ah-ha moment happened. I do volunteer work but somehow you go through the motions and sometimes the big picture of what you are doing doesn't become clear, as Dr. Vonderheide said, until sometime later when you experience a moment such as this. I now have a whole new passion for life. Melissa, by inviting us to have this experience, created that lesson for me (and others I am sure) and I am grateful to her for that lesson.

After the Breast Cancer symposium in Washington, DC, Melissa performed a beautiful segment of a song called "Only Love" from her new album as she felt this song fit the theme of the day. As a (very) amateur guitar player myself, I captured her beautiful picking on this song, I hope you enjoy.